change

it used to be me on his phone, 2am in the morning, when he had whiskey on his lips and fire in his throat, and when all he ever thought was me, “babe i miss you” “babe i wished you were here” “babe i love you”. told me how much i meant to him.

but now all he has on his phone is another woman’s number.

but i wasnt too sure if i was disappointed that he changed, or i was just disappointed at the fact i thought he wouldnt.

but i didnt blame him you know, i told myself if i was good enough this wouldnt happened. things wouldnt have changed. if i was careful he wouldnt did me wrong.

but how could i fix this relationship? i couldnt. i had the same thing happened in my previous relationship. i forgave my ex and went back to normal but it got worse, he lied again and cheated on me. and if it could happen once it could happen twice and worse. im just taking precautions cos i cant take another stab in the the heart. i was stabbed once and it brought my life to hell. so im leaving, to find solace all over again. to find time to forget what has been done. to relieve the pain im having. idk how long it will take for me to love u the same.

so i told him i wanted to take a break and he agreed to it hoping he wouldnt say yes. hoping he would be sorry. hoping he will ask for another chance. but he didnt. he told me he didnt deserve another chance. i don’t understand why? if he loved me why was it easy to say yes. why was it easy to take a break? why did he say he deserved this? then he told me he wants whats best for me. but didnt he know he is whats best for me?

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To the person that saw the best in me at my worst:

Thank you so much for constantly pulling me up when all the rest tried to pull me down. Thanks for seeing me when i had no one to hangout with. Thanks for laughing at my jokes when no one else would. Thanks for wiping my tears when nobody saw it ran down my cheeks but still thank you for calling me beautiful after the tears wipe off my mascara and my concealer. Thank you for filling my stomach before it could even growl. Thank you for always giving me words of positivity when i thought i lost all the darkness in my life. Thank you for always having my back when i thought i already lost my strength and support. Thank you for giving me hope when i almost gave up on my life. Thank you for being there for me because i have no else but you. But you got tired of always being with me and u hope to have your own time. because just like you, i am tired too, of everything only you know what. so i am sorry that i thought i was capable to take care of you. I am sorry i thought i could make you happy.

there are more things that you have done to me that i am thankful for. but it would take the rest of my life to say everything. you have always been the best of the very best. but i do not wish to take up any of your time anymore. you can trust me when i say i’ll manage everything on my own from today onwards.

let this be the last promise to you, that i promise you, you’ll be happier without me.

goodnight.

maybe if i was alone

maybe if my chin was sharper,
if my lips were fuller,
if my eyes arent unequal,
if my nose wasnt so big and round,
if my hair was longer and smoother

if my wrist was the size of your two fingers,
and my nails was perfectly cut and painted,
my neck isnt as fat,
if my breast was perky,
dont get me started with my stomach,
oh my tummy, the scars and the flabs and stretch marks,

if my butt was rounder,
my vagina dont grow hairs,

oh yes the thighs, thigh oh thigh,
thigh gaps, toned thighs, long legs, scarless, breathtaking,
carved calfs,
flawless, tanned and toned.

even the models fall on runways,
and the angel of death has to take his own life,

but
if i was more like her will u treat me like a girlfriend?
or is my life too complicated for u to handle

if i was more like ur sister’s child, will u treat me like a daughter?
or am i stupid to get a 50/100

if i wasnt stupid to make decisions, will u treat me like a friend?
or was i too stupid to burn myself

and if i was given a gun, i’ll kill everyone because my God said a murderer will carry the victims’ sins
so i will be alone in hell while i watch over everyone in heaven and thought to myself

i want to be alone, i rather be

bcs nobody will understand, nobody will appreciate and nobody will care

The start of something new

Hi everyone.

I have decided to do a blog for myself since I just got done with my ‘O’ levels and I have a lot of time to spare as I am still looking for a job which turns out to be harder than I thought. In the meantime, I tried picking out a new hobby like blogging and hoping I won’t just stop blogging because I got too busy or something like that and leave this blog abandoned like what I did to all my old blogs.

Just hope that people actually bothers to read shit on my blog. Like what other bloggers do, I’ll write about my feelings and experience so don’t judge me girl I have feelings too……………………

So yes this is my so called welcome speech((whatever)). Hope you alls love my future blogpost and stuff like that.

Stay evil.